Golf Humor By Various Print E-mail
The Argument
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife, feeling bad about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. “How much is it?” she asked. “One hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. “But it comes with an inscription,” he said. “What kind of inscription?” she asked. “Whatever you wish,” he explained, “but one of the old golfers favorites is: 'Never up, never in.'"" “Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place!”

An Inexpensive Vacation
I was determined this year not to pay exorbitant rates for my annual vacation to the Catskills for me and my wife Shirley, so I decided to take a few weekends off in the spring to find at least one place cheaper than Grossinger’s. On my first weekend I visited several places with cheaper rates, but I found that they did not have the facilities that Grossinger’s offered. On my second weekend, on a tip from my brother-in-law, I visited Brown’s Hotel. My first impression was that this was a nice hotel. The place was large, had a good dining room, and the rooms were nice. So I got hold of the manger and I asked him about his facilities for golf, my favorite sport. He told me that they had, on the grounds, a newly-built 18-hole golf course designed by Sammy Snead. I then asked about a swimming pool for Shirley. He took me out in the back and showed me an Olympic-sized pool. That did it! So I asked him the big question “How much does it cost for two weeks?” He told me it was only $100 per night. I said: “That’s for each person, isn’t it?” He replied, “No, that’s for the two of you and includes three meals per day.” I gave him a deposit right then and booked for two weeks in August. When the day came, we set off for Brown’s. That afternoon, I was off to the golf course and Shirley to the pool. I bought a dozen balls from the pro and proceeded to have one of the best two weeks of golf I ever had. Every day was like this and I was sorry to see our vacation come to an end. I went to the cashier’s office to settle my bill. “Let’s see,” said the cashier. “That was fourteen days at $100 per day. That comes to $1,400 dollars, less the $400 deposit, that comes to exactly $1,000.” Then he said: “I see you bought 12 golf balls. They are $200 per ball or $2,800. That makes your total bill $3,800.” I said to him: “That makes my total bill exactly the same amount I paid Grossinger’s last year. That’s what I wanted to avoid. What makes you any different than the goniffs at Grossinger’s?” “Ah,” he said, “Grossingers had you by the rooms.”

Improvement?
A golfer who was known for his bad temper, walked into the pro shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of woods. The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time, more than half expecting he’d come in and demand his money back. But the next time he came in, he was all smiles!

“They’re the best clubs I’ve ever had,” he said. “I’ve really had tremendous improvement! In fact, I’ve discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones.”

New to Golf
The old professor decided one summer he was gonna try his hand at golf. He got himself some of golf shoes (ching!), a pair of knickers and an argyle sweater (ching, ka-ching!), and to top it all off, a brand new set of clubs (ka-CHING!!!). Well, off he goes to the local country club. Naturally, knowing that he can do anything he sets his mind to without the help of anybody else, he doesn’t bother with lessons from the club pro, or tips from friends who’ve been at the game for awhile -- nothing. So, round about the third hole (and the 64th swing), it was no surprise seeing the old professor pick up his whole new bag of clubs and heave it right into the water hazard (where his ball had gone just moments before) and storm off the course. A few minutes later, though, he came slinking back. He pulled his knickers up past his knees and waded in after the clubs. Everyone on the course was just chuckling and such, figuring he was gonna take his expensive new clubs home, clean them up and probably try and get his money back. However, they were quite shocked to see him retrieve his car keys from the pocket in the bag, and then throw the clubs right back into the water.
 
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